Where Imposter Syndrome Fits in the Writing Process

I feel like imposter syndrome is an integral part of the writing process. That moment when you think everything you write is sh*t and maybe, at that moment, it is. I usually doubt my ability to write in the middle of my first draft. The first half comes to me in a furious hurricane-like storm. It's when I stop to take a breath—which is rather unavoidable—that the doubts creep in.

Today, I felt it again—the word "poser" popped into my head which is just another way to describe imposter syndrome. I was updating my website and I thought—seriously, am I a writer or not? I have two books available for sale now and a third on the way with a few stories available for free via the Chapters: Interactive Stories app. A few years ago, the rights for the first book I published reverted back to me, and it's been "sitting" on the shelf while I figure out what to do with it ever since. Re-publish? Re-write and publish?

So, essentially, I am a two-book author, and I can't even say I'm commercially successful. God, that's depressing. I guess it depends on how you gauge success, in general. My dream was to write and publish—and I've done that and continue to do so. But a writer doesn't really reach the pinnacle of success until they make money (as in royalties exceed marketing and promotional expenses). I'm not there yet. But it just means I have to try harder.

There are lots of legitimate reasons for the short backlist. Writer's block doesn't even factor in. My health is the huge obstacle. When I was healthy, I worked my forty hours and still wrote for three hours everyday—during lunch and after the kids went to bed. I wrote and published my first book in a year. Now? My writing time is a lot less predictable, but as a therapy tool so important. It's the "compare and despair" that gets me. I see other authors... The ones who published thirty books in the last ten years. How do they do it? One word at a time. And I can too. I just need to channel my determination and keep writing.

Despite the doubts—I'm my own worst critic—I do believe I'm a good writer. I love the written word, and I have a crazy, active imagination. Life comes with bumps in the road, and my bumps just happen to be poor health. So, I guess the moral of this story is... don't let my fear and self-doubt stop me from what I'm meant to do. Write.

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A Time of Transition

January is a month of transition. New year. New month. When I start working on those new year's resolutions with a gusto. Outwardly, things are going well. I'm up-to-date with this month's writing goals. Most of my social media posts are scheduled in Hootsuite. I've even blogged every week this month. Round 1 Edits for A Fairy's Quest are with my editor. I'm working on my next book submission.

But I'm operating under duress. I've had this headache and neck stiffness / pain for over two weeks straight with intermittent GI distress (tummy troubles). What is wrong with me? Something is wrong, but I don't understand what my body's telling me. Both my head and gut have a message. One message would be enough to get my attention, but two means it could be quite serious. I've learned the hard way to listen to my body. [February 2015 - full body shut-down] I never want to go there again. So, I'm paying close attention, and still the answers are not forthcoming.

"I write to know what I think." - Joan Didion

When my brain doesn't have the answers and my body does, sometimes writing helps. There are a number of things going on in my life. Any one of those things could be (subconsciously) bothering me. But it's hard to think when I'm in pain. At least, to think of anything that is not pain. I focus on a happy thought. Despite the suffering, I'm thankful for my life. Everything that's happened has played a part in forming who I am. The person I am today is strong enough to persevere.

I've eased back on the self-pressure and expectations. I am kinder to myself. What does self-kindness look like? Stepping away from judgment and blame. If I'm not feeling well, then it's okay if I rest. It's okay. I'm okay. Everything's okay. Except right now I'm lost. Like a ship at sea without a direction. Like a broken communication connection. There is a concrete wall standing between me and whatever is wrong. It looms behind the wall like a bad feeling. An omen.

"Be prepared." -- The Lion King

And the only conclusion I can draw? I need to be ready for what's next. Message received. Because something is coming. And I will be ready.

Spotlight on My Vampire World for #TirgearrTuesday

*** Originally posted as a guest blog on https://meganmorganauthor.com on May 10, 2017. ***

My Vampire World by Maya Tyler

I have been fascinated by vampires for a long time. At times, cast in the role of the hero and others, the villain. Vampires are an enigma, a demonstration in contrasts.

 

My vampire world is consistently full of contrasts. It is filled with darkness, symbolizing death – cheating death through their undead existence, evading death by keeping to the shadows, evoking death of their human victims. We see the darkness. Then, through their eyes, the world is a brilliant and vibrant place. Everything appears sharper, clearer. Their senses, and instincts, are efficiently honed. They have evolved into superior creatures, intent on fulfilling their basic needs, ruthlessly, with a single-minded goal of survival.

 

My hero Corgan’s pre-vampire life was also focused on survival. His maker Dee rescued him from desolate conditions and bestowed upon him immortality. He saw how strong and vital Dee was, nothing could touch her, not pain, not fear, not death. He wished to gain what she had, but an undead “life” is what she gave him, a life he couldn’t have possibly imagined or desired. He can live undead forever, but he still longs for his human form.

 

There is a place, within his world, where he can escape, like a dream, where his consciousness goes when he’s resting. His bite is the key to this world and my heroine Marisa joins him there, experiencing what he experiences, an enactment of his human fantasy.

 

Vampires live alone or with families, nests. Aside from the seemingly chaotic activities of violence and murder, they also have order. Laws. Rituals. Culture. A history which has developed parallel to human existence for thousands of years. A people cannot survive, advance, without some sort of structure. Vampires can offer their protection to humans by claiming them in a ceremony similar to human marriage. Vampire law dictates adherence to this claim, a vampire cannot harm other’s human. But, as in any society, there are those who defiantly choose to live outside the law. And those who choose to rise above their circumstances.

 

Other supernaturals also exist in this world. Humans with magical abilities like wizards or shifters. Creatures beyond earthly barriers like angels and demons. These different sects are aware of each other, can identify each other, and, for the most part, avoid each other. Some actively seek and destroy supernaturals, like vampire hunters. Most wish to conceal their presence from humans. Some form alliances, like the one between Corgan and his wizard friend Waldor.

 

A compilation of contrasts. Darkness and brilliance. Life without a soul. A hidden fantasy world. Order and chaos. Collaboration and conflict. My vampire world.

A Vampire's Tale
The Magicals Series, Book 1

Ancient and powerful vampire Corgan has been influencing struggling writer Marisa's life path. He wants to tell his story, before ending his existence, and chooses her to author his tale. But it’s complicated. Corgan knows his request will place her in grave danger. She doesn't.

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Check-in On The Resolutions

Last week, I went through Round 1 Edits for A Fairy's Quest. All in all, I am super excited to share this book with my readers. Writing it took me on an emotional journey... To some extent, all my books do. But this one was personal because both my heroine and I have a health condition called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

I introduced Alina Lehrer in A Wizard's Choice where she had a traumatic experience. It provided me with an opportunity to delve into trauma. Mine. Hers. And, while writing, I realized she also had generational trauma. I didn't really go into that, but the series isn't over yet.

Like many mental health conditions, there is a lot misunderstood about PTSD. Though I am pleased to see it addressed more in fiction. Dialogue about mental health is so important. I really feel it's the health crisis of my generation. In Canada, mental illness is a leading cause of disability, resulting in approximately 30% of short- and long-term disability claims. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, one in five Canadians personally experience a mental health problem or illness each year. And all Canadians will be affected, at least indirectly, by mental health at some point in their lives.

My limited knowledge about trauma and mental health comes from personal experience and research. If you need more information, please consult a medical professional.

But, on a less serious note, what does this have to do with my resolutions? Oh, right! Last week, I mentioned that my first priority was A Fairy's Quest edits. I checked that item off my list on Sunday. Next up? Prepping Duet at Midnight for submission... I'm loving this momentum.

Have a great day! I sure am!

Spotlight on Marisa Clements for #TirgearrTuesday

 

Marisa Clements, my heroine from A Vampire's Tale, Book #1 of The Magicals, was an interesting character to write. She just wouldn't stop talking. As a writer, I guess she had a lot of say. Oh, dear... I feel some introspection coming. Did I base this character on... me?

In a way, I imprint on all my characters. Writing has always been a therapeutic release for me so it makes sense that my characters become a self-reflection of sorts. Marisa chose to defy her parents, quit her "safe" job, and follow her dreams of becoming a fictional romance writer. Yikes. This is starting to feel a little... familiar.

Although I wasn't a defiant kid, by any means of the imagination, I did move in with my college boyfriend against my parent's wishes. They threatened to disown me and stop paying for my school, but that's not the way things panned out. I mean, they weren't happy about the turn of events, but they realized if they wanted to remain in my life, they had to accept it. My lifelong dream was to become a writer, but somewhere along the way I ended up getting a business degree and an office job. I didn't quit the "safe" job, but I did write the romance novel at age 32 or so. It's never too late to follow your dreams.

Courage is when you do the thing that you fear. Marisa demonstrated courage throughout this book. She risked parental approval and financial security when she quit her job. She opened her mind to the fantastical world of magicals when Corgan appeared in her life. She fought, against impossible odds, for the life she wanted.

Marisa makes cameo appearances in A Wizard's Choice, Book #2 (available now) and A Fairy's Quest, Book #3 (coming soon).

Interested in "meeting" Marisa? A Vampire's Tale is available now.

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New Year, what to expect from me?

I'm a firm believer in going for what I want.

I want to write books, but there are 101 excuses why I don't write as much as I could. Mainly legitimate reasons like life. Laundry and kids and cooking (sometimes) and health issues (most times). Then, there's the marketing and promotional aspect of writing which is a full-time job in itself. And editing... if I'm fortunate enough to have a book in the publishing pipeline.

I take "advantage" of the new year to self-assess. I set goals (more like long-term resolutions) and feel all kinds energized to accomplish those goals. I want to write books. I want to publish books. It seems so simple and yet it's very complicated. In the same way that everything these days feels simultaneously simple and complicated.

My health. I've been handed a different deal than most. Not better or worse. Just different. I detest complaining about it, but my health issues are a quasi-reason—excuse—for my non-writing. Because I feel so horribly sick about 99% of the time, it takes me longer than it should—yes, I said should—to do anything. And when I have that 1% moment where I don't feel like absolute crap, I want to have fun—I include writing in that column—but I'm a spouse and a parent so I have responsibilities. Thankfully, writing is also a kind of therapy for me so sometimes it helps during the 99% moments. Don't worry, I'm not going to go into a huge tirade on what's wrong with me... Suffice it to say, I have chronic health issues that interfere with my life. It's a pain (pun intended), but everybody has something and this just happens to be mine. After seven years, I can be a little philosophical about it.

I feel pulled in a dozen different directions. And, when I feel this way, I need a reminder to slow down. The Christmas break was great, but this week the kids return to "school" (or the closest thing we've got during COVID), and life can revert back to normal... whatever normal entails. I've scheduled most of January's social media posts and cleaned the heck out of my house so I can dedicate a chunk of time to—priority one—A Fairy's Quest edits and priority two—Duet at Midnight submission prepping.

Life is a juggling act. Sometimes, I need to step back in order to see the full picture. But, no matter the obstacles, I make a plan to achieve my goals. And I don't stop until I'm satisfied. It's my pure grit and determination that keeps me going. So, look out, New Year, 'cause here I come!

Talking about New Year's Resolutions for #TirgearrTuesday

It's the "setting New Year's resolutions" time of year. Every year, I have good intentions to do the standard: lose weight; save money; get organized... This year is no different. But, this year, I view these resolutions as a reminder to constantly strive to be the best person I can be... if I need that reminder. Which I do. And it has less to do with short-term achievement—which is still a bonus—and more to do with reinforcing a lasting healthy habit. Health encompasses three parts—physical, mental, and financial—and achieving good health in all three categories takes work.

I've faced severe health issues for the last seven years. Mental health issues that present with awful physical symptoms. The inability to work and the pursuit of my human rights case which contribute to financial stress. It's a triple whammy, and unfortunately, something I can only hope to manage, not control. The last seven years, especially the five years I have been at home, have taught me a lot. I've increased my capacity to cope with the triple whammy. I've learned how to self-care. And I'm better equipped to face future uncertainty.

The future is always a bit uncertain. The control we have over our lives is not absolute, very susceptible to outside forces—like COVID—and we need the ability to roll with the punches and regroup when the occasion arises. I won't say I'm an expert—because I'm far from it—but I'm getting a little better at reacting each time the rug gets pulled out from under my feet.

Life is unpredictable and offers no guarantees. Probably why all my stories end happily-ever-after. In an uncertain world, I offer you hope. Besides, true love's kiss, hope is perhaps the most powerful thing in the world. Here's hoping for a better 2021.

Happy New Year!

Interested in magical realism that ends happily-ever-after? Try The Magicals Series. A Vampire's Tale and A Wizard's Choice are available now. A Fairy's Quest is coming soon.

www.tirpub.com/mtyler

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