January is a month of transition. New year. New month. When I start working on those new year's resolutions with a gusto. Outwardly, things are going well. I'm up-to-date with this month's writing goals. Most of my social media posts are scheduled in Hootsuite. I've even blogged every week this month. Round 1 Edits for A Fairy's Quest are with my editor. I'm working on my next book submission.
But I'm operating under duress. I've had this headache and neck stiffness / pain for over two weeks straight with intermittent GI distress (tummy troubles). What is wrong with me? Something is wrong, but I don't understand what my body's telling me. Both my head and gut have a message. One message would be enough to get my attention, but two means it could be quite serious. I've learned the hard way to listen to my body. [February 2015 - full body shut-down] I never want to go there again. So, I'm paying close attention, and still the answers are not forthcoming.
"I write to know what I think." - Joan Didion
When my brain doesn't have the answers and my body does, sometimes writing helps. There are a number of things going on in my life. Any one of those things could be (subconsciously) bothering me. But it's hard to think when I'm in pain. At least, to think of anything that is not pain. I focus on a happy thought. Despite the suffering, I'm thankful for my life. Everything that's happened has played a part in forming who I am. The person I am today is strong enough to persevere.
I've eased back on the self-pressure and expectations. I am kinder to myself. What does self-kindness look like? Stepping away from judgment and blame. If I'm not feeling well, then it's okay if I rest. It's okay. I'm okay. Everything's okay. Except right now I'm lost. Like a ship at sea without a direction. Like a broken communication connection. There is a concrete wall standing between me and whatever is wrong. It looms behind the wall like a bad feeling. An omen.
"Be prepared." -- The Lion King
And the only conclusion I can draw? I need to be ready for what's next. Message received. Because something is coming. And I will be ready.