September 9, 2016

You can run... But you can't hide

After months of waiting for our backyard to return to normal, our summer finally began. We had a family party with fried chicken and carrot cake eaten outside on the new deck. We planned a (last minute) family vacation. With twelve days left before school resumed, we were determined to enjoy every second!

We packed the car up with suitcases and coolers and drove four hours north to a rented cottage by a beach. Getting ready was a lot of hard work though. Physically. Mentally. I pushed as hard as I could, but the result was me getting very sick and needing more medication. Finally, we were on the road.

A vacation should be fun and relaxing, spending time with your family (or fellow vacationers), a getaway. But I can't get away from my condition, my disability. It doesn't matter where I am, it shadows me like a dark cloud. We enjoyed our time away, but there were days all I could do was rest. Immobilized, trapped in my mind, in a place I can't escape. That's where I am. No matter where I am.

I imagine getting out of town, a change of scenery, will "fix" me (albeit temporarily), but I am only fooling myself. Everyday is a struggle. Everything is harder. This is my new reality. Nothing has worked so far. And I don't know how to find a solution.

Everyone has problems... Some caused by external circumstances, some self-induced... It's how you frame those problems that counts. You cannot allow yourself to be defined by what ails you. You must find the good in each day.

I channel my feelings and experiences into my writing. Whether it's a blog post, copy for my website or my latest WIP. Everything seems a little clearer in print. I've probably written an endless number of posts about how writing is good therapy... But it really is. Every story must contain the right amount of conflict. How better to resolve personal conflict than to write it into a story? Writing (and reading as well) draws you into another world, a fleeting escape from reality. When I'm writing, nothing else in the world exists. It's just me and my laptop (or iPad). I can block out all external distractions and everything around me fades into the background, like white noise. But I can't remain in that void forever. At some point I must return to face reality. But when you focus on the positive, even reality isn't that dire.

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