March 23, 2020

Anxious? Me too.

I haven't blogged in a while...

Since I missed my NaNoWriMo goal in November, I've been focusing my time and efforts on finishing Book 3 of The Magicals Series. If you receive my spring newsletter, I gave a pretty good update on where I am on Book 3. Sum-up: I'll finish it this year. <<fingers crossed>>

My husband has been keeping me informed of the COVID-19 pandemic. I don't read/watch the news because it's usually bad news. I prefer my reading time to be spent immersed in fiction...preferably the happily-ever-after kind. But this health crisis has infiltrated my bubble to the point where I can no longer ignore the personal impact. I'm scared. I'm not heartless—I've been concerned about the world for months now. But now I am faced with the reality that if my immunocompromised husband gets sick, then he could die.

I felt this same fear twice before. Once, before he was diagnosed, when he took an ambulance to the hospital. It was the middle of the night and we had a two-month old baby. Once when he travelled from our home in Ontario, Canada to New York state for elective angioplasty for the hypothesized cause of multiple sclerosis (MS)chronic cerebrospinal venous insufficiency (CCSVI). My dad accompanied him to New York because our kids were so little at the time. Our oldest son had just turned three, and our youngest was sixteen-months old. The procedure had shown such miraculous results for other MS patients that we had to try. Even though I worried he might die and I'd never see him again. My husband did not recover from his initial, incapacitating MS attacks, however he has not relapsed since the CCSVI treatment.

We hadn't planned on travelling for March break this year. Instead, we planned a fun "staycation" with sleepovers in the clubhouse, Mario Kart tournaments, and pizza delivery. Then we heard that our school would be closed for the two weeks following March break. Then I started receiving a flurry of emails from stores and businesses about closures and service interruptions (fifty-six emails as of this writing). We altered our plans. We picked up some extra groceries and we haven't ordered any takeout. These are scary times. Significant enough that this event could change the world as we know it. Forever.

I started March break with a very positive attitude. We wrangled the boys into some early spring cleaning. I started a digital photo organization project that's been on my to-do list for at least five years. We watched movies, played games, and hiked in the forest. Then we landed in the middle of the week. I couldn't concentrate on anything. (Exasperating an already existing mental health condition.) I know that I know nothing. But I'm afraid that in light of this virus' newness we all face a lack of information. I'm terrified that people aren't taking this seriously enough and nothing will stop the spread. I think we've truly encountered a worst case scenario.

I'm sure you have been as bombarded by anxious people and (possibly) your own anxiety, but writing helps me to process my thoughts in this tumultuous time. Maybe, sometime in the future, we'll look back on this as an overreaction of a non serious issue. Right now, my perception of threat is very real. It's difficult to believe that I am safe because I have no idea if I am or not.

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