Friday, January 16, 2015

Identity

If you use a pen name, do you ever feel like you're two people?

Maya Tyler is me, but I sometimes feel like she's not. I have separate email addresses, Facebook accounts... Even Pinterest. She has a blog, a website, a Twitter account. I created her. I gave her an identity. My secret identity.

When Dream Hunter was released, I was so happy and excited (still am), but a part of it didn't seem real. I had compartimentalized Maya's life into a completely separate box. She was only sort of 'me' if that makes sense? Today at work I was signing reports and I had to stop and think - whose name did I sign? The lines between us are getting blurry.

I'm a very private person. Using a pen name allows me freedom to express myself, to be who I am without all the over analysis and worry of what others will think. I am no longer bound by society's opinion of me. Slipping into anonymity is comforting. I can be myself and finally explore and discover who I really am.

I am in my thirties and still asking the questions. Who am I? What do I want to be when I grow up? Are there ever any answers? I'm unbelievably happy with my life... Even if I still have uncertainty about my professional future, I have no such questions about my personal. I have been married for twelve years to my soul mate and best friend and we have two young sons... We live in a small town with lots of parks and playgrounds. We have an ordinary, fulfilling life. We're a good family. Almost every Friday night, we have family movie night. Tonight we got McDonald's takeout and watched The Incredibles. It was so much fun! I wouldn't change it for the world!

Still I constantly question who I am and where I'm going even though I am happy and satisfied with my life. Why? Maybe I need to gauge my progress, to grade myself. Am I on track? Or is there another reason? Am I truly being true to myself? Or am I hiding behind my secret identity?

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